Life Unravelled

Cybbie on our one of our daily walks to Montrose Beach

I’m not sure where to where to start, so I’ll just write….

I launched this website a year ago at the beginning of June 2024.  And then I didn’t touch it again, until now.  Why?  Because just days after launching, my wonderful Dad died on the 11th June.  And then after the funeral, it became apparent that my amazing partner, Derek, was also very unwell.  He had had a cancer diagnosis the year before and had surgery and chemotherapy. We thought everything was ok, but a further scan identified a new lump.  There was disagreement about what this new thing was, how to treat it, and there was so much waiting, for decisions, for action.  Waiting, waiting, waiting. He final had surgery in Sept 2024 but it was all too late, and he never really recovered.  I watched my beautiful man slowly decline, and Derek died on 13th November aged 56.  He was gruff, funny, insightful, challenging, kind, tender, loyal, creative, a man with a huge heart, who loved me in his way.  My biggest supporter, he always had my back, and life without him seemed unliveable.  Solidity and certainty vanished, replaced by a dark and cold void.  My life unravelled and grief carved a bleeding trench through my keening heart. The world around me felt meaningless and I shrank beneath a crust of despair.   

After we received Derek’s terminal diagnosis the grieving began, weeks before he died. Hope had been dragged from my clutching heart, and I was filled with profound sadness, alternating with anger, at the slowness of the process and all the things that had and had not been done, at the inevitability. And then when he died, grief stole my memory and without my journal, I couldn’t recall much of what happened or when during that period.  All the things I expected for my life changed. I was exhausted and I struggled to make any decision.  Everything become new – working out how to shop and cook for one, what would I do on the weekend, what would I watched on TV, who would I spent time with, where might I go, holidays, future plans….  Our future evaporated and I felt that nothing really mattered, that my life was worthless.  The very foundations of life tilted and I fell.  And a desperate loneliness veiled my life. I retreated internally, and it became a real challenge just to be with people, in the world, to work out who I was in this new life.  I’m only just beginning to do that, six months on.

I wondered if I could ever coach again.  Lost confidence in my capacity and capabilities.   How could someone in my state ever serve someone else or help them to find their way to a better life?  I got really sick with flu in March and as I emerged for that in April, I had a sense of drifting.  I had no purpose other that walking my dog and perhaps a pottery class.  Don’t get me wrong.  Both are wonderful, and I’m deeply grateful, particularly for Cybbie, my beautiful saluki lurcher and friend, who never judged me, who’s happiness on the beach infected me with her joy, even on my darkest days.  Death brings a loneliness that cannot be satiated by any other person and Cybbie has been, and still is, my constant companion when I was not able to be with anyone else. 

So where am I now?  I’m still working it out.  I am human, with a full suite of emotions, thoughts, feelings, experiences and challenges.  Grief remains a part of me, and always will, because I love him.  Facets of my new life and personality have begun to emerge. I am still acutely lonely.  I feel, and will always feel, the sadness of loss.  But I still get to choose how I am in the world. 

I collect sea glass on my dog walks and have begun making jewellery, a creative place to put my energy and express myself. It gives structure to my life again.  I want to be kind and generous.  I want to be challenged.  I want to be of service and for my life to have purpose, utility and value.  I still have a life whilst Derek does not, and I want to honour him by living well and supporting other to do the same.

Over the coming weeks and months, I will re-shape the content of this website to align more to what I am choosing for my new life and work.  I always enjoyed coaching, particularly one-to-one, creating strong connections from which trust emerges, and where work can be done in partnership.  I believe that our results, actions, and influence in this world come from within, and it is that inner work I wish to focus on: The inner work for outer results.   Supporting the development of emotional intelligence that allows us to be self-aware, to understand the activity of our brains, how it can both help and hinder, how to acknowledge and accept, rather than rail against our human condition with its richness of thinking, feeling and emotion, how to recognise patterns of self-defeating thinking for what it is, reducing its power, to clarify what truly matters to us, how we can use our values as a decision making tool to guide our behaviours, and how to let our values lead us to take committed action, leading us to a richer, more fulfilling life.  I am doing this work for me, and I hope, for others.

I am grateful every day for all the time I had with my Dad, and with Derek, and I will continue to work toward a life lived well.